So I haven’t been around for over two months. I could say I have a fantastic reason, in fact I originally did have one. I had surgery and needed the time to focus and recover. I had worked my ass off trying to save money to take two or so weeks off without panicking about rent while I was recovering. My surgery was meant to be easy and straight forward, but I had complications and ended up having to be far less inactive then previously intended. So I had a good reason… for two months. But why didn’t I start back up immediately? I used to love blogging, sharing my thoughts and relating to people, why couldn’t I bring myself to type a basic post on my latest video?
I have felt really inadequate lately. About almost everything I put out. I just felt everything I touched was just… not good enough. I felt invisible.
I really don’t want to be a broken record as I have written a post that still resinates with me today – “Dealing with the fear of not being good enough” – but I wrote that in a time in my life where I was just starting to get may act together. I felt better about myself, my work was picking up and life was generally coming together. So what’s different? Simply put, I feel like my work is respected, but I am not.
I recognise I am ‘moving on up’ in my little world. I have had my busiest year I have ever had – so much so many of my clients wanted me to take on an intern – and I have been asked to teach my trade. I can accept I am good at what I do. I am just in this weird place where I let myself think people didn’t like my work if they thought I did it. I wasn’t good enough, my trade was.
I work in an industry where this kind of chatter and noise can destroy you by killing your drive for your work and what you love. It is also has areas which are bitchy and competitive, but also amazing supportive and creative. Lately though, I have found my focus pulled to the wrong side by this chatter. That won’t do. Everyone who is successful has been told at some point or another that what they do is pointless and a waste of time – until is isn’t, and sometimes I need to be reminded of that. The important thing is to believe in yourself. Why should someone believe in me if I didn’t?
Also I did that thing you really should NEVER EVER do: I compared myself to others. *shudders*.
Luckily for me I am surrounded by people who are wonderful, so talented, and supportive, so I have given myself the chance to reflect and think about what I want from what I do.
I decided I am going to ignore the voices and the chatter of others getting into my head. I am going film and edit videos for myself without worrying about the reactions from my peers. I am going to continue to type up my thoughts and enjoy editing pictures.
I am going to do what I have always enjoyed and I am most passionate about: